Approach
I sometimes get asked why I work so often with older people, and the answer to that begins with my genuinely finding people of any age interesting.
The specific interest with people older than myself - and let's face it, until I'm the oldest person living, there will always be people who are older than me - is that they have lived through a past that I won't ever experience (not at the same stages of our lives, at least), and they are currently experiencing things I may go through in the future. So, people who are older than me hold a dual fascination.
Some years ago, I was doing a short piece of work with some older people in a particularly well-heeled part of southern England. This small group had been diagnosed as having either dementia, or depression. At lunch, I sat with an older woman and an older man. We talked about the places we'd lived in.
The older man told how, as a very young man in the 1930s and 1940s, he'd worked for what was the Foreign and Colonial Office in what he described as 'Keen-yah' (for the uninitiated, this is Kenya - and the modern equivalent would be the UK government's Foreign and Diplomatic Service. For film buffs, think White Mischief).
Next, the older woman recounted her story of how, in the 1940s, her husband - a British veterinary surgeon - had gone to work for the Brazilian government and how she'd given birth to and brought up four children in the Brazilian rainforest.
Then they asked me, what was the most exotic place I'd ever lived? And I had to admit it was Sheffield (in my defence - which may make some sense to UK readers - I am a 'southern softie' whose dad was from Hull).
People who are older than me - or you - have a wealth of experience to share. Not everyone's lived in the rainforest, or even in Sheffield, but there will be something just as fascinating to uncover. Learning a little about that individual's past - their life history - is the first thing for me (and an understanding that, for some, "the past..." is literally "...a foreign country").
The second thing is learning about the experiences of the here and now. I wouldn't ask a 7-year-old to tell me accurately what it's like to be a teenager any more than I'd ask a 40 year old what it's like to be 80 (if you did, you'd probably get some interesting insights, but these might be more about the prejudices those aged 7 and 40 hold about their respective elders). If I want to know how life feels now, I'd ask those living through that stage of life, or time, or situation, if they'd be willing to share that story.
How do I apply this approach to my work?
Many of the older people I talk with are very ill. Some face serious barriers in their lives because of insufficient money, poor housing, a lack of good quality relationships, disabilities, and other issues.
They are also funny and kind and smart and annoying and bad tempered and adventurous and afraid, and anything and everything else that you might expect to find in a fellow human being. And they have many stories to tell from their lives up to this point, as well as how life is now.
I can have a very good guess at imagining what the harder aspects of later life might be like, but it will still be a guess. And I might get so hooked on focusing on the harder aspects that I can't even guess at the good bits. But I'd like to hear it all.
Hearing the good, the bad, and the downright ugly, helps us all to live and work together better and, on a completely selfish level, helps me better understand what I or others in my life might face in my/our own future.
Of course, if and when I am older, and if I am ill or have disabilities, it will be a different world than now - just as Sheffield is not the Brazilian rainforest - but I will hopefully, having listened, arrive at that point with some insight.
A key part of this is that I treat people who are older than me as adults. Sounds obvious, doesn't it? - until you realise that not everyone does this, especially once someone is ill or disabled and older (older women might add to that the misogyny they experience. Older black men and women might add, racism. And so on).
Older adults may be having a hard time - or they may be having a good time - but as adults, all of us should be as much in charge of our own lives as possible.
One other thing I know: I have never yet met an older adult who thinks the term 'elderly' applies to them, or who wants to be referred to as 'elderly' or - worse - described collectively as 'the elderly'. (Would you like it? Bear in mind that in the UK, in social policy terms, being 'elderly' starts at around age 50). Maybe we should stop.
Other terms I personally dislike and avoid using are 'toileting' and 'feeding'. I don't 'toilet' or 'feed' myself. I go to the loo, and I eat (albeit not at the same time. Or in the same room). If you're supporting another person to help them use the loo, or help them to eat, try and use these more normal, more human, terms (but again - not at the same time. Or in the same room). And maybe only talk about it at all if the person themselves is okay with it.
I do see why some adult children talk about the older parents they are supporting in terms of having swapped roles - as in 'I am the parent now and my mum is the child'. It's commonly repeated. But I also see this as a much more complex situation than this simple phrase might suggest. It would be good to find other ways to talk about the way stories of relationships - especially in families - may change over time, and develop better stories to tell.
You can find out more about how my approach continues to be shaped by the people I meet and work with in the blog page, The Stories I've Heard ... and The Lessons I've Learned. You can find out more about how I've shared stories from my own life on the page Me & Stories.
The specific interest with people older than myself - and let's face it, until I'm the oldest person living, there will always be people who are older than me - is that they have lived through a past that I won't ever experience (not at the same stages of our lives, at least), and they are currently experiencing things I may go through in the future. So, people who are older than me hold a dual fascination.
Some years ago, I was doing a short piece of work with some older people in a particularly well-heeled part of southern England. This small group had been diagnosed as having either dementia, or depression. At lunch, I sat with an older woman and an older man. We talked about the places we'd lived in.
The older man told how, as a very young man in the 1930s and 1940s, he'd worked for what was the Foreign and Colonial Office in what he described as 'Keen-yah' (for the uninitiated, this is Kenya - and the modern equivalent would be the UK government's Foreign and Diplomatic Service. For film buffs, think White Mischief).
Next, the older woman recounted her story of how, in the 1940s, her husband - a British veterinary surgeon - had gone to work for the Brazilian government and how she'd given birth to and brought up four children in the Brazilian rainforest.
Then they asked me, what was the most exotic place I'd ever lived? And I had to admit it was Sheffield (in my defence - which may make some sense to UK readers - I am a 'southern softie' whose dad was from Hull).
People who are older than me - or you - have a wealth of experience to share. Not everyone's lived in the rainforest, or even in Sheffield, but there will be something just as fascinating to uncover. Learning a little about that individual's past - their life history - is the first thing for me (and an understanding that, for some, "the past..." is literally "...a foreign country").
The second thing is learning about the experiences of the here and now. I wouldn't ask a 7-year-old to tell me accurately what it's like to be a teenager any more than I'd ask a 40 year old what it's like to be 80 (if you did, you'd probably get some interesting insights, but these might be more about the prejudices those aged 7 and 40 hold about their respective elders). If I want to know how life feels now, I'd ask those living through that stage of life, or time, or situation, if they'd be willing to share that story.
How do I apply this approach to my work?
Many of the older people I talk with are very ill. Some face serious barriers in their lives because of insufficient money, poor housing, a lack of good quality relationships, disabilities, and other issues.
They are also funny and kind and smart and annoying and bad tempered and adventurous and afraid, and anything and everything else that you might expect to find in a fellow human being. And they have many stories to tell from their lives up to this point, as well as how life is now.
I can have a very good guess at imagining what the harder aspects of later life might be like, but it will still be a guess. And I might get so hooked on focusing on the harder aspects that I can't even guess at the good bits. But I'd like to hear it all.
Hearing the good, the bad, and the downright ugly, helps us all to live and work together better and, on a completely selfish level, helps me better understand what I or others in my life might face in my/our own future.
Of course, if and when I am older, and if I am ill or have disabilities, it will be a different world than now - just as Sheffield is not the Brazilian rainforest - but I will hopefully, having listened, arrive at that point with some insight.
A key part of this is that I treat people who are older than me as adults. Sounds obvious, doesn't it? - until you realise that not everyone does this, especially once someone is ill or disabled and older (older women might add to that the misogyny they experience. Older black men and women might add, racism. And so on).
Older adults may be having a hard time - or they may be having a good time - but as adults, all of us should be as much in charge of our own lives as possible.
One other thing I know: I have never yet met an older adult who thinks the term 'elderly' applies to them, or who wants to be referred to as 'elderly' or - worse - described collectively as 'the elderly'. (Would you like it? Bear in mind that in the UK, in social policy terms, being 'elderly' starts at around age 50). Maybe we should stop.
Other terms I personally dislike and avoid using are 'toileting' and 'feeding'. I don't 'toilet' or 'feed' myself. I go to the loo, and I eat (albeit not at the same time. Or in the same room). If you're supporting another person to help them use the loo, or help them to eat, try and use these more normal, more human, terms (but again - not at the same time. Or in the same room). And maybe only talk about it at all if the person themselves is okay with it.
I do see why some adult children talk about the older parents they are supporting in terms of having swapped roles - as in 'I am the parent now and my mum is the child'. It's commonly repeated. But I also see this as a much more complex situation than this simple phrase might suggest. It would be good to find other ways to talk about the way stories of relationships - especially in families - may change over time, and develop better stories to tell.
You can find out more about how my approach continues to be shaped by the people I meet and work with in the blog page, The Stories I've Heard ... and The Lessons I've Learned. You can find out more about how I've shared stories from my own life on the page Me & Stories.
